I made it through the day. I can’t even believe it. I woke up with my usual racing heart and was dreading going to work. I had to take long deep breaths constantly because I could feel myself starting to freak out.

I’m shocked though. I made it through the day. I saw him, I had to say words to him, and I was fine the entire time. I had to stay at work a bit later today, and I did find myself feeling really anxious and panicky near the end. But I totally made it through. I didn’t even cry today. Im just shocked at how this is going.

I have had thoughts today. I have felt sick to my stomach yes. I had some weak moments. But overall, I think i’m okay. When i’m sitting here writing this, its a mixture of feeling relieved and having a giant rock in my stomach.

I ended up having one of my old roomates come over to hang out tonight. I was telling him about what happened. The problem with him is, he has never been in a long term relationship. I don’t think he’s had a girlfriend for like 10 years. He’s never experienced heartbreak in his life. He has no emotional connection to what i’m talking about so he doesn’t understand. Its not his fault, its just not as relieving to be around him as it would be around someone that just gets how you feel, you know?

Im looking forward to this summer. Its going to be a YES summer. I want to just live and really figure out who I am as a person. I’ve completely lost my sense of self. I haven’t been single in over 5 years. I don’t know what its like to be alone and lately I just feel like a shell of a person. It kind of sucks because the last time I had a really fucked up breakup was with my abusive ex. (Another story for another time) The thing is, is that I had a great support system. You might think its stupid, you might judge me, but all of my friends were from a computer game.

I was in an abusive relationship and alot of that is being prohibited from doing certain things. I couldn’t have friends, I couldn’t go out. I took safe haven within a different world. I spent as much time as I could on the computer talking to the people I knew from all over North America. Most of them were from the states, people I would never see face to face but have known them to this day for 8 years.

When I left my ex, I stayed within that realm. I moved back in with my parents and basically lived the next 2 years in my bedroom. Stay up until my dad was awake for work, and sleep until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. It was not great. I feel like I completely wasted my early 20’s. That’s supposed to be the time of your life right? I spent it depressed and broken. Now I really know what it’s like to have these alone moments where I have no one. Man, that sounds pathetic.

I just still am sitting here in shock thinking how I haven’t cried. I am a person that feels REALLY hard. Its hard to explain, its hard to understand, but its EXTREME. I feel like an idiot not being able to control it sometimes but i’m a heart on my sleeve kind of girl. I love hard, when i’m down I can get myself REALLY down. Its a vicious cycle.

I almost typed out that I wish I was normal but I mean, thats not true at all. I am a very unique kind of person. I do not think like most people do. I may be anxious and shy and really fucking awkward but once i’m comfortable, I open up like crazy. I like taking care of people. I feel wierd when I don’t have someone that needs me. I get uncomfortable when people do stuff for me. I’ve never really been good at taking care of myself. I think thats what makes me feel like i’m lost when im not in a relationship.

I’m exhausted, i’m too exhausted to even look over this post and see if it makes any sense at all. I have barely been sleeping, I’ve eaten like 2 meals in the last 4 days. I told myself I’d give it a week of mourning then I’d get my shit together. This is a little too much though. I need to do better. I need sleep. That’s Day 3.

It’s official. It’s over. The straw that broke the camel’s back was finally today.

This entire weekend has been a whirlwind. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely have (I should write had now shouldn’t I?) a toxic relationship. It’s both of us. But this weekend, Jesus Christ, it’s been so emotionally draining.

Friday, he was in his normal, after 830pm, grumpy mood. We were on the phone and starting to get into a conversation about our relationship. Mind you, our conversations mostly consist of me calmly tell him my feelings or asking him to tell me how he feels or what he’s thinking, which normally follows with about 10 minutes of silence then him saying “What do you want me to say? I dont know, I dont know what to say” Anyways, as I was saying , our conversation turned towards our relationship and he was obviously getting frustrated.

“I am so done with this. Im done dealing with this. I don’t want to talk about this. I am not dealing with this anymore”

He said so many hurtful things to me that night.

He was yelling so I ended the phone call, very upset. I could barely sleep that night with all the emotion running through me. I spent the entire night tossing and turning and crying and wondering what the hell was going on with our relationship. I had to work that morning until 3pm so I called in sick. I just couldn’t do it. I texted him and asked him to call me when he wasn’t busy. He sounded sincere, like he wanted to talk and figure out what happened. He called me at 3:50. I was still upset and asking him what happened. He didn’t even remember what he said. All of the crappy things that came out of his mouth last night and he couldn’t even remember. I cried and told him that I spent the last 24 hours thinking that he was breaking up with me. He replies with:

“Oh, yeah, that”

“That’s it? Seriously? Do you have any idea what the last day has been like for me?”

“Sure”

“Why is this happening, why can’t you just talk to me. I have tried so hard for this relationship but I can’t be the only one in it.”

“Im late for to meet up with my boys. I was supposed to be there at 4“

(Remember he called me at 3:50)

So thats where that conversation once again ended.

It’s difficult you know, being as emotional as I am. I feel like a baby alot of the times cause I just can’t bottle things up anymore. Maybe it’s a result of my previous abusive relationships but I can’t help but hate myself for it. I spent the entire night on and off crying, being miserable and trying to drown my sorrows in weed and shitty TV or youtube. He eventually got back to his house, drunk, and called me. He said we could talk when I was off work next day at 2pm, again very sincere, like he really wanted to talk.

I made it to work this morning. I didn’t want to go but at the same time I needed to do something with my day. Im a mechanic, I work in a very large shop. I just had surgery on my wrists so I couldn’t lift anything, so I was on tower duty, which is basically the in-between from the front counter and the technicians in the shop. Work wasn’t terribly bad. I was exhausted but in a pretty decent mood. It wasn’t really that busy, my boss went on lunch so I was in charge. I decided to send a text to let my ex (ex is hard to write..) know that I would be off at 130 and i’d be expecting to talk to him, since this is getting serious. He gives me really wierd answers so sitting in tower and having a moment, I decided to call.

He proceeded to tell me about he has plans today. He won’t tell me what they are. I ask again and he won’t tell me again. Im really confused why he won’t tell me . He finally fesses up and says he didn’t want to tell me because i’d be upset at what he was doing.

Here is some backstory, feel free to judge me and tell me i’m insane for having an issue with this:  

My ex has alot of couple friends okay. They all hang out together. There is 2-3 other couples and they do stuff like escape rooms and going to sports events. Stuff like that. I mean I wouldn’t exactly know because i’ve never been invited…. I am openly his girlfriend yet for some reason to these couple events i’m never invited and his reponse is always “Its not my place to invite you”. I mean am I really crazy for having an issue with this? I don’t think i’ve done anything to offend anyone in that group, i’ve had very pleasant conversations with everyone.. He offers no explanation to why this happens and has no sympathy whatsoever when I say it hurts my feelings to not be included to an obviously couple thing.

This is what broke me. Not only was I not invited for like the eighth time, it was the fact that he made plans over our plans to talk about what happened this weekend and to make something of our relationship..Once again he seemed so sincere but when it came down to it, he just didn’t care anymore.

I had a massive panic attack at work.

I just completely lost it at work, and again, in tower I basically have to constantly talk to alot of my coworkers and can’t really walk away. I felt like an idiot. I was red faced, teary eye’d and sniffling. I was trying to do my job but it was kindof like a blur. I would not have gotten through the day without my coworkers. Some of them suprised me more than others. Let me remind you, I work in a shop and these were all guys. It made me feel so much better. Some of them took me out for lunch and talked to me about it.

I forgot to mention a teeny, tiny little fact…

I work with my ex..Our bays are almost directly across from each other. Everyone we work with knows the both of us. Even though my work friends are really the only people I talk to, its hard because they know my ex really well also. They are friends with him too.

One of the guys came over after work and took me for a drive. Then he helped me walk my dog since my wrists are still not fully healed. It was really nice to just like hang out with a friend for once. ( Someone that is actually interested in what you are saying instead of just staring down at their phone and snipping back at you when you ask if they are listening. Im not even used to that anymore. Anyways, he went home, and i’m alone with my dog.

I look at my phone and I have a voicemail and an email.

VM(730pm):“Hello, i’m returning your call. I see you blocked me on everything but im now calling you.”

Ok whatever I can ignore that one

Email(845):“I left you a voicemail but I see I have no way to contact you

I replied.. “There is no reason for you to contact me, you’ve made that very clear”

And here is the cherry on top everyone..

“Are you serious? After not inviting you to an event that I have no control over?!”

I actually laughed out loud at that. Not only was he wrong, he was delusional. Compared to alot of girls, I may be emotional but Im pretty damn chill. Did he really just forget about what happened this entire weekend like 4 times over? I mean, I ended the day with a laugh, it could have been worse right?

Looking back on today I started out really weak but I have really seemed to gain some strength. I know it won’t last, i’m going to have weak moments. I need to fake it until i make it though. Its now about just improving my life, and finding myself. The sad thing for my ex is that I guarantee all of that will make him absolutely furious. It will make him rage to see me getting my shit together and knowing how to be without him. It will be a struggle but I’m going to do it.

Im exhausted. I have to see him face to face tomorrow. I don’t know how he is going to react or how I will. I dont konw.

Luckily I haven’t cried since lunch, I am honestly shocked. I can’t relax now though, it’s only Day 1.