I’m really enjoying using this as a journal. Im hoping that it can reach at least one person who is going through the same thing, or at least make someone smile. Im trying to be as open and honest with you and more importantly myself. I do believe, that you need something I like to call context. There is alot of history between us so I do owe you some explanations..

Lets start with why I have trust issues with my ex:

I have been cheated on before, MAYBE by my ex(those “20 signs a guys cheating” websites could get their content from the way he acts towards me), but its been at least 3 other boyfriends as well. I dont put all the blame on him. But let me assure you, he has no helped even in the slightest.

I met my ex through work. He had a girlfriend at the time. We never really conversed too much at all, until one day at the annual company Christmas party. He was there with his girlfriend, but he came right up to me and told me..

“You look really pretty tonight”

That really should have been my first sign but as someone who isn’t confident at all and never really gets much attention, of course it made me feel good. I invited him to a friends birthday party a bit later. We talked for a bit, he didn’t stay long but it was nice to see him outside of work. Then about a week after, he asked me out for a drink.

I didn’t think much of it. We are co-workers, whatever. The conversations we had definitely took to flirty very quickly. After a few drinks he was telling me about his relationship. They have been together 5 years but she moved away and its been long distance for 4 of those years. She’s in a heavy duty school program and will be for years to come, and he didn’t want to move there. He would take the 7 hour drive often to go see her, and her parents lived here so she came here a bit but it wasn’t enough for him. He told me she didn’t like sex. He said it wasn’t working and he was wanted to find someone to be basically a fuck buddy. Stupid, dumb, idiotic me, said yes.

It was all fine and dandy until valentines day. Out of nowhere, he brings me chocolates in the middle of the day delivered right to my house. It caught me off guard so bad. I didn’t know what to think but to be appreciated on valentines day.. Well once again, I just loved the attention. This is the day I started to fall in love.

It kept going on, he knew we were both feeling things but we continued to sneak around and enjoyed being together. We would lie in bed and binge watch tv shows, he would tickle me when the theme song would come on. It felt great, minus the whole sneaking around thing. Tip toeing into his house at 1am and sneaking out before his parents woke up. We’d go out for dinner on the other side of the city so no one saw us.

One day, we were having sex. I was on top and it was great like usual, when all of a sudden he says

“I love you”

Now I understand that sometimes you just shouldn’t hold people accountable when they are in the midst of a good time. But I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. I was trying my best not to fall and hurt myself but BAM I felt like I was hit by a truck. Obviously I was starting to feel the same thing for him..

This went on for months, sneaking around and getting to know eachother and him constantly telling me he was “trying to get his girlfriend to break up with him”.

6 months of us being together, and he told me he was going on a family vacation. Cool, I thought. Im jealous, where he was going sounded nice. Then he told me his girlfriend was invited. After him constantly telling me that things were getting worse and that it was almost time for them to break up, he invited her on a trip to europe.. Of course this fucked me right up. I knew they were going to be sleeping in the same bed and experiencing all of these beautiful things together. I forgot to say, he always told me that he stopped kissing her or showing any affection. I totally sound like an idiot in most of this post but I promise i’m not that stupid. I was blind. All of these promises seemed like they would come someday and I was naive enough to believe him.

Anyways, he continued to message me while they were away. I guess she was smart enough to know something was going on and looked through his phone. She found everything. He texted me the words “she knows” and I got no answer after that. He eventually called me and I was freaking out and he was hiding in a bathroom and couldn’t talk very loud. He told me they were going to try to work on things and that he couldn’t talk to me.

Yeah, well, he did when they got back. It started right back up again, just where it left off. A couple weeks later she finally broke up with him. I wish I could say I felt relieved or anything positive really.

He cried in my arms.

I’m not even kidding. I dont understand how I was just so blind, that I couldn’t see what this was going to do to me. I remember writing in my journal back when it was all fresh and started. I wrote

“You are going to get hurt if you don’t stop this”

No shit eh.

He didn’t tell anyone they broke up. It took him 6 months to tell anyone that it had happened. Also in this time, she told him that she had cheated on him (Just like he did to her) and he also cried in my arms about that too.. (Roll-eyes-face)

So he finally started telling people they broke up half a year later. Another half a year later, we were official. I was meeting his parents like I haven’t been in their house before or knew nothing of them. They are seriously wonderful people. They took me in and invited me to family dinners often. It felt nice having a family when Im here pretty much by myself.

We still have so many issues, but in terms of trust, it was getting better. I thought that things could actually grow into a functioning relationship.

My roommate decided it was time to move out. My ex was waiting for this day and hinted at it before, but he moved in. We lived together for almost a year.

His ex was in the bridal party of his best friends wedding last fall. So both of them ended up spending alot of time together. I was really uncomfortable a nervous, I felt like there was unfinished business between the two of them even though they hurt eachother so much.

I just had this feeling you know. Then one day, he left his computer open. Yeah. You know where this is going.

I found conversations dating back up to 7 months, the two of them talking. Really cute flirty, sending memes and joking around and talking about life, ect.

I kicked him out right then and there. He broke my heart. For the 7 months they have been talking, my ex has been calling me stupid and crazy to my face, thinking that there was something still between them. He lied and put me down just to cover his own tracks. Disgusting.

But i’m disgusting too. I kicked him out but I gave him ANOTHER chance. Ever since then its been even more of a freefall then usual. He’s been so distant, not wanting to have sex, not wanting to hang out, not wanting to talk. Staring at his phone constantly when we are together, then ignoring my texts or calls and saying he’s busy or at work or eating with someone. When I know that he’s addicted to his phone and its a complete lie.

He did nothing to make up for it. He literally said that I shouldn’t care

“We are just friends, its like me talking to a friend”

OK, i’d like to meet any other person in this world that would be fine with this, especially with our past..

This is not the only reason I have trust issues with my ex but it’s a good start. Don’t want to make this too exceptionally long. Over the course of this “journal”, i’m sure I will look back and try to explain as much as possible of what happened to get us to such a toxic point. I think its important as it sheds light on not only his misdoings, but I’m not perfect either. I’ve done things wrong and i’m not afraid to take ownership and talk about them.