Day 3

I made it through the day. I can’t even believe it. I woke up with my usual racing heart and was dreading going to work. I had to take long deep breaths constantly because I could feel myself starting to freak out.

I’m shocked though. I made it through the day. I saw him, I had to say words to him, and I was fine the entire time. I had to stay at work a bit later today, and I did find myself feeling really anxious and panicky near the end. But I totally made it through. I didn’t even cry today. Im just shocked at how this is going.

I have had thoughts today. I have felt sick to my stomach yes. I had some weak moments. But overall, I think i’m okay. When i’m sitting here writing this, its a mixture of feeling relieved and having a giant rock in my stomach.

I ended up having one of my old roomates come over to hang out tonight. I was telling him about what happened. The problem with him is, he has never been in a long term relationship. I don’t think he’s had a girlfriend for like 10 years. He’s never experienced heartbreak in his life. He has no emotional connection to what i’m talking about so he doesn’t understand. Its not his fault, its just not as relieving to be around him as it would be around someone that just gets how you feel, you know?

Im looking forward to this summer. Its going to be a YES summer. I want to just live and really figure out who I am as a person. I’ve completely lost my sense of self. I haven’t been single in over 5 years. I don’t know what its like to be alone and lately I just feel like a shell of a person. It kind of sucks because the last time I had a really fucked up breakup was with my abusive ex. (Another story for another time) The thing is, is that I had a great support system. You might think its stupid, you might judge me, but all of my friends were from a computer game.

I was in an abusive relationship and alot of that is being prohibited from doing certain things. I couldn’t have friends, I couldn’t go out. I took safe haven within a different world. I spent as much time as I could on the computer talking to the people I knew from all over North America. Most of them were from the states, people I would never see face to face but have known them to this day for 8 years.

When I left my ex, I stayed within that realm. I moved back in with my parents and basically lived the next 2 years in my bedroom. Stay up until my dad was awake for work, and sleep until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. It was not great. I feel like I completely wasted my early 20’s. That’s supposed to be the time of your life right? I spent it depressed and broken. Now I really know what it’s like to have these alone moments where I have no one. Man, that sounds pathetic.

I just still am sitting here in shock thinking how I haven’t cried. I am a person that feels REALLY hard. Its hard to explain, its hard to understand, but its EXTREME. I feel like an idiot not being able to control it sometimes but i’m a heart on my sleeve kind of girl. I love hard, when i’m down I can get myself REALLY down. Its a vicious cycle.

I almost typed out that I wish I was normal but I mean, thats not true at all. I am a very unique kind of person. I do not think like most people do. I may be anxious and shy and really fucking awkward but once i’m comfortable, I open up like crazy. I like taking care of people. I feel wierd when I don’t have someone that needs me. I get uncomfortable when people do stuff for me. I’ve never really been good at taking care of myself. I think thats what makes me feel like i’m lost when im not in a relationship.

I’m exhausted, i’m too exhausted to even look over this post and see if it makes any sense at all. I have barely been sleeping, I’ve eaten like 2 meals in the last 4 days. I told myself I’d give it a week of mourning then I’d get my shit together. This is a little too much though. I need to do better. I need sleep. That’s Day 3.

A Letter, Never To Be Seen By The Intended..

To my exes ex,

Im not sure where to start. I have been tempted to send a message to you for a while now. I could never do that because it would feel selfish of me to bring up these past feelings.

I can imagine you hate me. Maybe not. Our ex (lol) still always painted you out to be a pretty decent person. Of course I Social Media stalked you. What girl wouldn’t. (Probably lots).

I knew he had a girlfriend. He did trick me, he lied to me so much throughout the entire 3 years and especially the months you were still together. He would tell me you never kissed, never touched. That things were so close to being over the whole time. Even the start of this I was manipulated into thinking it was a good idea. Yes, I knew, but he was just so convincing.

I blame myself. I blame my weakness. Please believe that I have regretted my decisions constantly. I didn’t set out to hurt you but of course I did.

I want you to know that our entire relationship, even after yours ended, I felt like I was still trying to compete with you. Even now, I really think his heart has been with you the entire time. I know it probably won’t make you feel better but its the truth.

I want you to know, I have gotten my karma. I want you to know that I probably feel somewhat similar to how you felt when things ended. He cast me aside like I was nothing. Maybe even worse, because I know you have always meant something to him…

It wont make up for anything I have done. I can promise you though, that I am someone who makes mistakes and repents. Ive made alot of mistakes and I have learned. I dwell, my mind festers. I punish myself eternally even for silly shit like accidentally cutting someone off on the road. I was recently driving, and a girl let me in because I was in the wrong lane. I waved at her but i don’t think she saw. I still think about that moment. Imagine what I have felt about what I have done to you.

I wish we could have the chance to talk. I know we never will. I know you’ll never see this. But I wish we could talk, and compare notes. I feel like the two of us have been completely stomped all over by one man. I have so many unanswered questions and doubtful excuses that I have heard, I feel like you may have been curious too.

I wish you the best in your life, in your amazing career. I hope you find someone that supports you on your journey and can be a true partner to you. You deserve it.

Good luck.

Trust

I’m really enjoying using this as a journal. Im hoping that it can reach at least one person who is going through the same thing, or at least make someone smile. Im trying to be as open and honest with you and more importantly myself. I do believe, that you need something I like to call context. There is alot of history between us so I do owe you some explanations..

Lets start with why I have trust issues with my ex:

I have been cheated on before, MAYBE by my ex(those “20 signs a guys cheating” websites could get their content from the way he acts towards me), but its been at least 3 other boyfriends as well. I dont put all the blame on him. But let me assure you, he has no helped even in the slightest.

I met my ex through work. He had a girlfriend at the time. We never really conversed too much at all, until one day at the annual company Christmas party. He was there with his girlfriend, but he came right up to me and told me..

“You look really pretty tonight”

That really should have been my first sign but as someone who isn’t confident at all and never really gets much attention, of course it made me feel good. I invited him to a friends birthday party a bit later. We talked for a bit, he didn’t stay long but it was nice to see him outside of work. Then about a week after, he asked me out for a drink.

I didn’t think much of it. We are co-workers, whatever. The conversations we had definitely took to flirty very quickly. After a few drinks he was telling me about his relationship. They have been together 5 years but she moved away and its been long distance for 4 of those years. She’s in a heavy duty school program and will be for years to come, and he didn’t want to move there. He would take the 7 hour drive often to go see her, and her parents lived here so she came here a bit but it wasn’t enough for him. He told me she didn’t like sex. He said it wasn’t working and he was wanted to find someone to be basically a fuck buddy. Stupid, dumb, idiotic me, said yes.

It was all fine and dandy until valentines day. Out of nowhere, he brings me chocolates in the middle of the day delivered right to my house. It caught me off guard so bad. I didn’t know what to think but to be appreciated on valentines day.. Well once again, I just loved the attention. This is the day I started to fall in love.

It kept going on, he knew we were both feeling things but we continued to sneak around and enjoyed being together. We would lie in bed and binge watch tv shows, he would tickle me when the theme song would come on. It felt great, minus the whole sneaking around thing. Tip toeing into his house at 1am and sneaking out before his parents woke up. We’d go out for dinner on the other side of the city so no one saw us.

One day, we were having sex. I was on top and it was great like usual, when all of a sudden he says

“I love you”

Now I understand that sometimes you just shouldn’t hold people accountable when they are in the midst of a good time. But I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. I was trying my best not to fall and hurt myself but BAM I felt like I was hit by a truck. Obviously I was starting to feel the same thing for him..

This went on for months, sneaking around and getting to know eachother and him constantly telling me he was “trying to get his girlfriend to break up with him”.

6 months of us being together, and he told me he was going on a family vacation. Cool, I thought. Im jealous, where he was going sounded nice. Then he told me his girlfriend was invited. After him constantly telling me that things were getting worse and that it was almost time for them to break up, he invited her on a trip to europe.. Of course this fucked me right up. I knew they were going to be sleeping in the same bed and experiencing all of these beautiful things together. I forgot to say, he always told me that he stopped kissing her or showing any affection. I totally sound like an idiot in most of this post but I promise i’m not that stupid. I was blind. All of these promises seemed like they would come someday and I was naive enough to believe him.

Anyways, he continued to message me while they were away. I guess she was smart enough to know something was going on and looked through his phone. She found everything. He texted me the words “she knows” and I got no answer after that. He eventually called me and I was freaking out and he was hiding in a bathroom and couldn’t talk very loud. He told me they were going to try to work on things and that he couldn’t talk to me.

Yeah, well, he did when they got back. It started right back up again, just where it left off. A couple weeks later she finally broke up with him. I wish I could say I felt relieved or anything positive really.

He cried in my arms.

I’m not even kidding. I dont understand how I was just so blind, that I couldn’t see what this was going to do to me. I remember writing in my journal back when it was all fresh and started. I wrote

“You are going to get hurt if you don’t stop this”

No shit eh.

He didn’t tell anyone they broke up. It took him 6 months to tell anyone that it had happened. Also in this time, she told him that she had cheated on him (Just like he did to her) and he also cried in my arms about that too.. (Roll-eyes-face)

So he finally started telling people they broke up half a year later. Another half a year later, we were official. I was meeting his parents like I haven’t been in their house before or knew nothing of them. They are seriously wonderful people. They took me in and invited me to family dinners often. It felt nice having a family when Im here pretty much by myself.

We still have so many issues, but in terms of trust, it was getting better. I thought that things could actually grow into a functioning relationship.

My roommate decided it was time to move out. My ex was waiting for this day and hinted at it before, but he moved in. We lived together for almost a year.

His ex was in the bridal party of his best friends wedding last fall. So both of them ended up spending alot of time together. I was really uncomfortable a nervous, I felt like there was unfinished business between the two of them even though they hurt eachother so much.

I just had this feeling you know. Then one day, he left his computer open. Yeah. You know where this is going.

I found conversations dating back up to 7 months, the two of them talking. Really cute flirty, sending memes and joking around and talking about life, ect.

I kicked him out right then and there. He broke my heart. For the 7 months they have been talking, my ex has been calling me stupid and crazy to my face, thinking that there was something still between them. He lied and put me down just to cover his own tracks. Disgusting.

But i’m disgusting too. I kicked him out but I gave him ANOTHER chance. Ever since then its been even more of a freefall then usual. He’s been so distant, not wanting to have sex, not wanting to hang out, not wanting to talk. Staring at his phone constantly when we are together, then ignoring my texts or calls and saying he’s busy or at work or eating with someone. When I know that he’s addicted to his phone and its a complete lie.

He did nothing to make up for it. He literally said that I shouldn’t care

“We are just friends, its like me talking to a friend”

OK, i’d like to meet any other person in this world that would be fine with this, especially with our past..

This is not the only reason I have trust issues with my ex but it’s a good start. Don’t want to make this too exceptionally long. Over the course of this “journal”, i’m sure I will look back and try to explain as much as possible of what happened to get us to such a toxic point. I think its important as it sheds light on not only his misdoings, but I’m not perfect either. I’ve done things wrong and i’m not afraid to take ownership and talk about them.

Day 2

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was exhausted when I woke up. I was so tired last night that I figured I would just shower in the morning but that didn’t happen either. I went outside for my morning smoke and I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to get sucked in again. I want to be happy and I don’t want to be caught with these feelings for him anymore. I’ve been feeling so stuck for such a long time. I don’t know if its my personality or he really is a master manipulator but I have known this relationship wasn’t right for quite a while.

I got to work and to my surpise, he called in sick. Thank god, I was thinking. Maybe my day 2 won’t be as bad as I thought it would be. I figured I would get sucked in so fast again, i’ve always been weak for him. I was in a pretty decent mood today but that doesn’t mean my brain wasn’t traveling everywhere. Why did he call in sick? What is he doing? Is he actually sick? Is he going to see someone? Does he still not care? I’m trying so hard to keep these thoughts off my head but I mean, I have my issues. I at least got through my day. I will say I have been so tempted to social media stalk him but i’m trying my best not to do that as well.

I told my boss that we broke up as well. He gets it. Everyone at work knows how he is. He puts on such a confident and strong front but inside he’s just the most selfish person i’ve ever met. He’s like two different people. If you asked him though, he would blame me for that for sure..

I finished work and came home. My mom was driving in to visit me but I had 2 hours to kill. Those were the hardest 2 hours of the day. Trying to keep my mind away from things, I watched videos on youtube. I would start one then watch it for a minute and my mind would start to wonder so I would pick another video. It was killer. I’ve been trying to sit outside in the sun more but even outside I couldn’t stop looking through my phone. Social media is going to kill me.

My mom and I had a nice visit. She’s the main and pretty much only person I have and trust 100%. She’s like the best mom. I know so many people say that, but my mom is like everyones mom. I look at her personality like a kindergarten teacher (which she was once) mixed with the generosity of Mother Theresa. I don’t know what I’d do without her. We have become so much closer, we talk about anything openly and honestly. She tells me about her past relationships (abusive husband) and her relationship with my dad. (Which was eerily similar to me and my exes relationship, wierd) We had lunch, it was a good time as always. I did find myself constantly looking out the window, feeling like I was just searching for my ex to show up. I don’t know why but im nervous. Im scared to see him out. Im scared to see him with someone else. I’m scared he’s going to be petty, just like last time… (“Last time” is for another post 😉

I am lucky enough to have at least ONE girlfriend. Thank goodness for her. I told her the day of it the breakup happening, and she told me to come to her house asap. We talk on and off but we are always there when we need. It was really nice to go out there, I really like her family and just hanging around them. We all caught up, I haven’t been out there in about 6 months. I basically hermit myself because of my ex. Everyone in my life knows and tells me that i’m a good person and deserve so much better than this. It makes me hide because i’m embarrassed that I put myself through this. I need to let go of my anxieties though. Anxiety is also going to be the death of me.

My girlfriend has recently become apart of a new “squad”. She tells me these girls are really chill and that i’m welcome to join in. They invited me out Friday to go for drinks and just have a girls night. Im excited to potentially be apart of this group but i’m also so nervous because, well, i’m me. I have such a hard time meeting new people and I feel like people get the wrong impression because i’m so shy and anxious to start off. I do eventually open up but I need to be comfortable. Oh well, i’m going to try my best. No matter what I need to get out and keep doing what i’m doing.

I finally got home and realize my ex has emailed me again. He’s asking what stuff he has of mine. This part does hurt, knowing its becoming so real. But i’m ok. I didn’t cry, I didn’t react. Its time to do something with myself, and my ex held me back. Tomorrow, he’s going to be at work. Tomorrow is the day I see him for the first time since the breakup. I’m not ready, but thats tomorrow, for now its still Day 2.

Day 1

It’s official. It’s over. The straw that broke the camel’s back was finally today.

This entire weekend has been a whirlwind. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely have (I should write had now shouldn’t I?) a toxic relationship. It’s both of us. But this weekend, Jesus Christ, it’s been so emotionally draining.

Friday, he was in his normal, after 830pm, grumpy mood. We were on the phone and starting to get into a conversation about our relationship. Mind you, our conversations mostly consist of me calmly tell him my feelings or asking him to tell me how he feels or what he’s thinking, which normally follows with about 10 minutes of silence then him saying “What do you want me to say? I dont know, I dont know what to say” Anyways, as I was saying , our conversation turned towards our relationship and he was obviously getting frustrated.

“I am so done with this. Im done dealing with this. I don’t want to talk about this. I am not dealing with this anymore”

He said so many hurtful things to me that night.

He was yelling so I ended the phone call, very upset. I could barely sleep that night with all the emotion running through me. I spent the entire night tossing and turning and crying and wondering what the hell was going on with our relationship. I had to work that morning until 3pm so I called in sick. I just couldn’t do it. I texted him and asked him to call me when he wasn’t busy. He sounded sincere, like he wanted to talk and figure out what happened. He called me at 3:50. I was still upset and asking him what happened. He didn’t even remember what he said. All of the crappy things that came out of his mouth last night and he couldn’t even remember. I cried and told him that I spent the last 24 hours thinking that he was breaking up with me. He replies with:

“Oh, yeah, that”

“That’s it? Seriously? Do you have any idea what the last day has been like for me?”

“Sure”

“Why is this happening, why can’t you just talk to me. I have tried so hard for this relationship but I can’t be the only one in it.”

“Im late for to meet up with my boys. I was supposed to be there at 4“

(Remember he called me at 3:50)

So thats where that conversation once again ended.

It’s difficult you know, being as emotional as I am. I feel like a baby alot of the times cause I just can’t bottle things up anymore. Maybe it’s a result of my previous abusive relationships but I can’t help but hate myself for it. I spent the entire night on and off crying, being miserable and trying to drown my sorrows in weed and shitty TV or youtube. He eventually got back to his house, drunk, and called me. He said we could talk when I was off work next day at 2pm, again very sincere, like he really wanted to talk.

I made it to work this morning. I didn’t want to go but at the same time I needed to do something with my day. Im a mechanic, I work in a very large shop. I just had surgery on my wrists so I couldn’t lift anything, so I was on tower duty, which is basically the in-between from the front counter and the technicians in the shop. Work wasn’t terribly bad. I was exhausted but in a pretty decent mood. It wasn’t really that busy, my boss went on lunch so I was in charge. I decided to send a text to let my ex (ex is hard to write..) know that I would be off at 130 and i’d be expecting to talk to him, since this is getting serious. He gives me really wierd answers so sitting in tower and having a moment, I decided to call.

He proceeded to tell me about he has plans today. He won’t tell me what they are. I ask again and he won’t tell me again. Im really confused why he won’t tell me . He finally fesses up and says he didn’t want to tell me because i’d be upset at what he was doing.

Here is some backstory, feel free to judge me and tell me i’m insane for having an issue with this:

My ex has alot of couple friends okay. They all hang out together. There is 2-3 other couples and they do stuff like escape rooms and going to sports events. Stuff like that. I mean I wouldn’t exactly know because i’ve never been invited…. I am openly his girlfriend yet for some reason to these couple events i’m never invited and his reponse is always “Its not my place to invite you”. I mean am I really crazy for having an issue with this? I don’t think i’ve done anything to offend anyone in that group, i’ve had very pleasant conversations with everyone.. He offers no explanation to why this happens and has no sympathy whatsoever when I say it hurts my feelings to not be included to an obviously couple thing.

This is what broke me. Not only was I not invited for like the eighth time, it was the fact that he made plans over our plans to talk about what happened this weekend and to make something of our relationship..Once again he seemed so sincere but when it came down to it, he just didn’t care anymore.

I had a massive panic attack at work.

I just completely lost it at work, and again, in tower I basically have to constantly talk to alot of my coworkers and can’t really walk away. I felt like an idiot. I was red faced, teary eye’d and sniffling. I was trying to do my job but it was kindof like a blur. I would not have gotten through the day without my coworkers. Some of them suprised me more than others. Let me remind you, I work in a shop and these were all guys. It made me feel so much better. Some of them took me out for lunch and talked to me about it.

I forgot to mention a teeny, tiny little fact…

I work with my ex..Our bays are almost directly across from each other. Everyone we work with knows the both of us. Even though my work friends are really the only people I talk to, its hard because they know my ex really well also. They are friends with him too.

One of the guys came over after work and took me for a drive. Then he helped me walk my dog since my wrists are still not fully healed. It was really nice to just like hang out with a friend for once. ( Someone that is actually interested in what you are saying instead of just staring down at their phone and snipping back at you when you ask if they are listening. Im not even used to that anymore. Anyways, he went home, and i’m alone with my dog.

I look at my phone and I have a voicemail and an email.

VM(730pm):“Hello, i’m returning your call. I see you blocked me on everything but im now calling you.”

Ok whatever I can ignore that one

Email(845):“I left you a voicemail but I see I have no way to contact you

I replied.. “There is no reason for you to contact me, you’ve made that very clear”

And here is the cherry on top everyone..

“Are you serious? After not inviting you to an event that I have no control over?!”

I actually laughed out loud at that. Not only was he wrong, he was delusional. Compared to alot of girls, I may be emotional but Im pretty damn chill. Did he really just forget about what happened this entire weekend like 4 times over? I mean, I ended the day with a laugh, it could have been worse right?

Looking back on today I started out really weak but I have really seemed to gain some strength. I know it won’t last, i’m going to have weak moments. I need to fake it until i make it though. Its now about just improving my life, and finding myself. The sad thing for my ex is that I guarantee all of that will make him absolutely furious. It will make him rage to see me getting my shit together and knowing how to be without him. It will be a struggle but I’m going to do it.

Im exhausted. I have to see him face to face tomorrow. I don’t know how he is going to react or how I will. I dont konw.

Luckily I haven’t cried since lunch, I am honestly shocked. I can’t relax now though, it’s only Day 1.